Away put your weapon

I had to share a lane while swimming today, argh! After swimming the guy I shared my lane with decided he didn't just want to share the swim lane. He thought it would be wonderful to have a (want to say little, but can't) show & tell. "So, Mr. E-FO would you like to meet my well hung member in all its glory?"

He chatted me up about work, the gym, swimming, a mutual acquaintance all while he was stark naked and I was in my Speedo. Can I tell you how freaking hard it was to make eye contact at all times while clothing myself at the same time? Man, it was intense. Thanks Ron for showing me the light and your unit today. It was wonderful getting to know ALL about you and him. Yes, he was on my team ladies.. sorry! Not that there's anything wrong with that. [E-FO, now busy looking through through the back of local weekly papers for a penis pump.]

Do you want to be the next Survivor?

Wow, just saw a tv ad detailing local auditions this weekend. Hmmm... it's tempting. It would be quite fun to spend 39 days on an island with a bunch of strangers. I am not sure I've perfected my lying side well enough. Sprizee may beg to differ however. She says I tell good stories, but would they be good enough to get me in the sack with Jeff Probst and the whole Mark Burnett gang? I have two full days to decide if this is something to pursue. A con: I don't enjoy an itchy beard. Pro: I am very very good at flying under the radar. too good. This would also definitely get me my 15 minutes of fame I so deserve. $1 million dollars!

Teddy Bears

Yes, I have something to share with my peeps. I do indeed sleep with a teddy bear named Terry. The name isn't all that important here, but he gives good snuggling. Why does a 31 year old married man sleep with a teddy bear? Mainly I have issues that Dr. Phil would love to examine. Chiefly I don't enjoy sleeping with my long monkey arms dangling off the bed or across my body since I sleep on my back or side. Rather than throwing them around a bed hogging body pillow or wife... I hug the teddy bear. I have been called a heater by my wife so that's why we don't tend to hug during our rapid eye movements. Most importantly our sleep numbers aren't compatible. My wife likes it soft and me likes it a firm. Terry bridges that gap. Go ahead and make fun of me. I can take it since I do dish it out. Anyone want to fly a kite with me and who the fuck moved my cheese this time?

Christmas fornication bad

The set of Leave it to Beaver? Nope, just our sleeping arrangements in Geneva, IL while we visited during the holidays. In-laws, we are a married couple!

Timex, takes a licking and...

...keeps on freaking beeping. I got a brand new Timex Ironman triathlon watch for Christmas, but damn. I feel like I have a bomb strapped to my wrist. This thing has a mind of its own and just keeps sounding off for no apparent reason. I tried to time myself during swimming today and had four splits running at the completion of my four lengths without me touching any buttons. Later in the day I couldn't get the stopwatch* to actually stop. The damn thing just doesn't work as it should. I hit the stop/reset button and I swear I am going to get ejected from the MINI while my face illuminates with the Timex Indiglo technology. My wife insists it's operator error. It's a goddamn digital watch I tell you. How could I screw it up? I guess I may have farted in its general direction. Takes a licking my ass!

*learned stopwatch is a registered trademark like Kleenex and eGan.

Resolutions

At the beginning of 2004 I made resolutions for the year. Well actually I just did the following, “2003 2004 resolutions”. Only four of the below resolutions of 2003/2004 are legit. Can you spot the fakes?

* Lose gut & 20 pounds.
* Continue to decrease debt
* Make it a goal to set goals
* Utilize all my free work time IMing and swimming
* Read 12 books
* Benchpress 80 pounds
* Use the word blog in a sentence every day
* Talk about myself less often
* Learn all 50 state capitals
* Apply for Canadian work visa
* Take Control / Tap the Keg
* Stop stalking our local newsreporter, Jim Forman
* Drive south and kidnap celebrity rat dog Tinkerbell
* Buy stock in Breyers
* Wear my contacts more often
* Clean and organize garageDone 1/2/05
* Appear on Blind Date, 5th Wheel, and Cheaters in the same week.