Intermittent postings

Dear fanclub members,

The next week or so will be a busy one with the holidays and all. I leave in about twenty minutes for Portland, the City of Roses. I will take plenty of pictures, report any odd findings and give a general feeling of how northwesterners live in this horrible sea of mountains, water, and trees. Next week it's off to Chicago, the land of ???. Hells if I know. It's flat there with an abundance of American cars.

Keep the faith I say and catch y'all on the flip side!


Egan,
CEO & Founder

4:00pm.. not a creature was stirring..

..not even a co-worker. Where the hell did everyone go? It's eerily quiet in the office right now. Maybe they are waiting to see if I will take advantage of the quiet time and blog. Sho nuff! That's "sure enough" for you unhip readers. Below are some random numbers for today activities!

• distance swam = 80 lengths/2000 meters
  
• water temperature = 79° Fahrenheit
  
• donuts consumed today = 0
  
• Chai Tea lattes = 1
  
• current weight = 176
  
• fighting weight = 175
  
• candy bars = 2
  
• people staring at my butt = 7
  
• cups of Tazo tea = 2
  
• miles driven = 10.3
  
• females staring at my butt = 1
  
• times I have flipped off an SUV = 0
  
• minutes chatting with my cross dressing swim buddy = 8
  
• times I checked my blog = 17 21
  
• number of executives in the bathroom with me = 3
  
• productivity on a 1-10 scale = 7
  
• Instant Messages between E-FO and Sprizee = priceless
  
• minutes spent creating this lame post = 19 27
  
• revisions to this post as of now = 3
  

Thanks for playing Get to Know E-FO!

Can we shake on it? Hells no!

Warning sensitive types: the following post is blunt and mildly disgusting.

Pet peeves, we all have them. Here's a huge pet peeve of mine. When you use the bathrooom gentlemen, it wouldn''t hurt anyone if you arrive 30-45 seconds later in order to wash your hands. No one in this world can be too busy to not be bothered with washing their hands. However everyday at my work there are at least three or four hygiene challenged folks that skip out.

I don't give a rat's ass if you are just pissing or crapping or if your the CEO or a dumbass in accounting. All situations and parties must give their hands a good scrubbing after the fact. I know you don't just go to the bathroom and shake or wipe. I see the disgusting evidence that gets left behind you slobs. Sure, you may want to pick your nose and shit at the same time, who doesn't I ask, but why must you smear your nasal findings on the walls like we're a bunch of frat boys. Use some asswipe, a.k.a. toilet paper, to dispose of that vulgar matter or just eat it. Then when you are finished taking care of your business don't treat the sink area like a toxic waste site. Get your hands wet, apply some soap, rub hands together vigorously and then dry hands. Once hands are dry could you please dry off the countertop so I don't look like I pissed in my khakis because you failed to do your pubic duties.

I know who you are co-workers and I keep tabs of all violators. Either you're a washer or you aren't. Mr. Pauf, I know you go straight from shaking a deuce* in the baño to the kitchen where you will waste yet another styrofoam cup for your beloved coffee. So think twice before you shake your co-workers hands. Editorial note: I am not one of those freaky germ people either. I worked food service related jobs for half my life and understand the benefits of good hygiene.

Father Egan has spoken and is watching your every bowel movement!

*shaking a deuce = pooping

Why Monkey Boy?

I receive tons of fan letters, email, and Instant Messages each day. Most of them want me to post more pictures of my dreamy self and then there are those interested in learning more about Monkey Boy. Why Monkey Boy they ask?

Allow me to explain, however this could be difficult to visualize since I don't have any photos. (there may be a VHS tape out there somewhere) Basically it began as a college prank. It involved me putting on a roommate's black trenchcoat. Along with the coat I removed the lycra mesh cover from his bike helmet and put it over my face, covering my chin and forehead. Only the back half of my head was exposed. I looked sort of like a martian at this point. The look was okay, but I wasn't interested in looking alien. Grabbed some socks and tucked them inside the mesh over my ears. Finally put another pair of white socks over my hands. The costume is tough to picture, but my friends/roommates say the antics were what made Monkey Boy legendary.

Completely sober I would race out of our apartment and run up to random people, scaring the shit out of them. I would then run off quickly into the bushes only to reappear minutes later. (In hindsight this was a horribly tramatic stunt of mine so save the hate mail for another time) Getting a little more rambunctious and bolder I would charge out to passing cars that were searching for parking spots. I would stare the driver down hopping up and down like I imagined an urban monkey would do. While jumping up and down like a fool, I would simultaneously create high pitched monkey sounds and a hunchback type posture.

Needless to say this attracted quite a bit of attention, but my friends and roommates absolutely loved it. Monkey Boy did make one more Seattle appearance and his final appearance to date occurred in Vancouver B.C. during Halloween of 1994. I put the costume on one more time at my friends urging and then hit the saucy Vancouver, Canada clubs. The bouncer wouldn't allow me to wear the mask unless I told him what my costume was. I gleefully responded "I am Monkey Boy". The alpha male Canadian didn't see humor in this. I didn't care though..I didn't go all the way up to Canada to be denied. I put on the mask a little while later on the dance floor and then laid the smack down*. Ever seen a breakdancin' monkey? Want to? My number is 206-555-1234 and I am available for birthdays, holidays, bachelorette parties and any other time you're too cheap to hire out the real mascots or "entertainment". Thanks for your patronage!

*Footnote: If memory serves me correctly, we did get booted from the Vancouver club for my antics. No worries since no one was ever injured in all three of Monkey Boy's appearances. The Monkey Boy nickname was also used before college to describe the relative ease in which I scaled fences and trees. This might explain why I eat two bananas a day.

Weekend wrap-up

Friday: Enjoyed some after work beverages with my wife's co-workers, listened to the them talk shop even though I was promised they wouldn't. Drove to a different part of the city and fit the MINI into a super tight spot near a theatre. Parked there because we went and saw a friend of ours perform opening night ofA Tap Dance Christmas Carol. Got a bouquet of flowers for our friend during the intermission. This was my first ever tap dance and was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. Gave bouquet to our friend and congratulated her on a job well done. Got back to MINI and no one had egged it or keyed it. Good night!

Saturday: Slept in way too late, did some more Christmas shopping. Also did some shopping for myself, buying a couple pairs of shoes at Nordstrom. Had all my curls chopped off. Cleaned the house a bit and then headed off to Nogfest 2004. This is hosted by my wife's co-worker. Great nog again and damn the hard stuff gives you a rather hefty quick buzz. Came home and blogged like the addict I am and went to bed.

Sunday: Woke up kind of late as result of too much blogging the night before. Went for a Sunday morning swim at the gym. Nope. Sharkman wasn't there this time. Actually had a lane to myself the entire time. POOL TEMP= still too warm for us hardcore swimmers. Picked up some bagels (garlic and asiago) on the way back home and ate them back at the house. Made much needed trip to Trader Joe's for some groceries. Underbid on how much money we spent on these groceries. Did some more work around the house, actually not true. Honestly I fell asleep on the couch while listening to music while Nancy was making her amazing pistou* for guests. I conked out while trying to locate quick crème brûlée recipes. Unable to concoct the broolay short notice, I took a quick 15-20 minute power nap. Dinner guests/friends are on their way with their baby. Have dinner, baby poops during dinner making pistou (pistou is pesto soup common in the Provence area of France) not so appealing, but I continue eating since I am starving. Friends give us an impromptu gift.

TANGENT: I am 31, but I guess I still have a little boy inside of me. Our guests/friends gave us an early Christmas gift after dinner. We, really me, got a remote control MINI Cooper. Why this thing was so entertaining to me, I don't know. I think this may have do with the fact that I only got those lame Radio Shack cheapies when I was a kid. It had one freakin' button on the remote and would make the car reverse in circles. You would let go of the button at the appropriate point to get it to go hopefully where you desired. This MINI remote control car can even skid out. Okay, back to real life...

Sunday night (continued): Finish up our food, dessert, and watch the four month old baby smile, cry, smile, cry, sleep, smile, and then leave with parents. Now it's late so I rush back and get the TiVo going so I can see who will win the Survivor finale. My money was on Eliza, but she didn't win. Watch a tiny bit more tv and now am blogging. Still have to take the stinking garbage out for pick-up tomorrow Argh! Now I can just refer people to my blog when they ask how my weekend was and that's how I like it. Ain't the internet great?

WEEKEND RATING: Good, fun, and productive one.