How to Dismantle an Atomic Blonde
I took an overnight trip to Portland with my good friend this past weekend. It was a college reunion of sorts as we met up with a couple other college buddies that call the City of Roses home. Two of us are married and two of us are single. It creates an interesting dynamic and makes me reflect more than ever on relationships. We decided it would be fun to go out for drinks and hopefully get our unwed friends to meet some nice women. Here are some observations about men in clubs I noticed. "Guidos" of the world take note as these are sincere dating tips for men!
> Move in packs and approach weak vulnerable women in smaller packs. This will improve the chances of all men in the pack and rarely intimidates the female species. Outnumbering the pack of the opposite sex by at least one is critical. This builds self-esteem with the ladies and allows for casual conversation.
> Wear collared shirts and make sure they are unbuttoned at least half way. Buttoning the shirt near the top is for losers and is a true sign you don't drive a muscle car. Note: Never wear your coat in a club as it will appear to be your security blanket.
> Talk about yourself often. Women love to hear your voice almost as much as we do. Women don't really care to be heard until comes time to give out their phone number.
> Sunglasses inside a club mean you are ready for business. Sure it might be hard to decipher if you are macking on Britney or a Brits knee, but at least you look like the shit. Perfect your strut to match the shades and voila.
> Since we are talking about shades, it's important to never wear your specs to clubs. Who wants to look like four eyes and they could inhibit your slick dance moves. Ever see a guest on the late night TV classic 5th Wheel with spectacles?
> In the event you have a small penis, focus on the big things in your life. Talk about your your monster truck, your bulging pectorals, enormous ego, music collection, and your extensive sexperience,
> ABC: Always Be Closing. Continue to focus on the task at hand. The night isn't over until you have sealed the deal. This may involve an act of chivalry*, but can lead to great rewards later in the evening/morning.
*chivalry: a gallant act to show your willingness to do anything for this beautiful baby. Such acts include opening car doors, offering her your coat in a downpour, sending her chocolate and/or flowers out of the blue, treating her to late night snacks at Taco Bell, and watching Ty knock down a wall on Extreme Makeover Home Edition while yelling loudly out his megaphone.
This past weekend once again causes me to shake my head and wonder. How the fuck did my wife and I ever meet in a club? They are cesspools. It's really intriguing to watch people and their techniques for meeting new people in clubs. I feel horribly for my single friends. Seems like it would be easier to meet someone worthwhile at the local Elks club rather than the local dance club. Just my random thoughts.
> Move in packs and approach weak vulnerable women in smaller packs. This will improve the chances of all men in the pack and rarely intimidates the female species. Outnumbering the pack of the opposite sex by at least one is critical. This builds self-esteem with the ladies and allows for casual conversation.
> Wear collared shirts and make sure they are unbuttoned at least half way. Buttoning the shirt near the top is for losers and is a true sign you don't drive a muscle car. Note: Never wear your coat in a club as it will appear to be your security blanket.
> Talk about yourself often. Women love to hear your voice almost as much as we do. Women don't really care to be heard until comes time to give out their phone number.
> Sunglasses inside a club mean you are ready for business. Sure it might be hard to decipher if you are macking on Britney or a Brits knee, but at least you look like the shit. Perfect your strut to match the shades and voila.
> Since we are talking about shades, it's important to never wear your specs to clubs. Who wants to look like four eyes and they could inhibit your slick dance moves. Ever see a guest on the late night TV classic 5th Wheel with spectacles?
> In the event you have a small penis, focus on the big things in your life. Talk about your your monster truck, your bulging pectorals, enormous ego, music collection, and your extensive sexperience,
> ABC: Always Be Closing. Continue to focus on the task at hand. The night isn't over until you have sealed the deal. This may involve an act of chivalry*, but can lead to great rewards later in the evening/morning.
*chivalry: a gallant act to show your willingness to do anything for this beautiful baby. Such acts include opening car doors, offering her your coat in a downpour, sending her chocolate and/or flowers out of the blue, treating her to late night snacks at Taco Bell, and watching Ty knock down a wall on Extreme Makeover Home Edition while yelling loudly out his megaphone.
This past weekend once again causes me to shake my head and wonder. How the fuck did my wife and I ever meet in a club? They are cesspools. It's really intriguing to watch people and their techniques for meeting new people in clubs. I feel horribly for my single friends. Seems like it would be easier to meet someone worthwhile at the local Elks club rather than the local dance club. Just my random thoughts.
posted by egan at
7:47 AM
